I don't exactly know how it all started, or how it ever got so bad. All I ever wanted to do is have a little fun. All I ever wanted to do was meet some people, play some games, and relax. And all I had ever seen growing up was that the one thing my parents and family, friends and mentors did when they were having fun was to drink. Alcohol was at every family function, at every dinner party, at every picnic, everywhere any of them went.
I started to drink when I was about 12 years old. I took some of my father's booze, and drank it without knowing exactly what it would do. From the start, I liked it, it made me feel outstanding, and I wanted more.
I never drank that much as a teenager, because, well...I didn't have the access to it that I hoped for. Had I had more resources to it, I would have been a much greater lush much sooner. Instead, most of my inebriated states came from illicit drugs and medicine cabinets around my neighborhood. That landed me into trouble enough. When I could lay my hands on some alcohol, believe you me, I had at it with a vengeance.
I got into trouble with the law and made my way through the ranks of the juvenile detention facilities in southern California. Throughout that time I had an inkling of an idea that I wasn't being too smart about my doings. Of course, I'd say to myself that i would try something different, something new when I got out, that I wouldn't get caught next time.
I did (always) and the final straw was a marijuana with sales conviction that landed me a 3 1/2 year stay in the California Youth Authority.
While in there, I did some searching, and began to go to church. I was told that God could help me and that His Son Jesus had come to pay the price for all the things I had done wrong. I could get behind that. I figured, if someone wanted to pay my bail, I'll let them. So i turned my will and my life over to the care of God, and asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins.
I stayed sober for quite some time, and my life flourished with all sorts of good things. I had a good job, got married, and was expecting my firstborn daughter. But stress began to build, and I sought out my old friend and answer to my problem, alcohol.
That began the wildest baddest ride of my life, because the allergy kicked in and I could not stop. I deteriorated to a homeless, wretch, and eventually, behind the wheel of a car, took the life of another human being in a drunk driving accident. I have no recollection of the event. I was given a 6 year sentence in the California penal system, of which I spent a little more than 4 years.
While I was inside, I once again began to search for answers as to why I had begun to drink after I had had so much success those years before. Why had God let me down? Had I been the one wrong in what I was doing?
Then I began to read the book entitled Alcoholics Anonymous. (The Big Book), and it showed me that the reason that I had returned to alcohol was of issues that I still carried around inside of myself. Resentments, regrets, remorse and fear. I had turned my will over to the care of God (step 3) but had stopped right there. A.A. showed me there are 9 other steps to handle the very things that were plaguing me, so I began to follow through with them.
I am now back on the streets, and I am freer than I have ever been. There are plenty of problems and stress, but now with God's grace and His helping me with t he 12 steps, and from a little help from AA. (yes, the title of this blog is a play on the name of AA, not a typo), I have been set free from the obsession to drink, and the fear that had plagued my life. Jesus, you truly have set the captive free, and opened the eyes of this blind man. Thank You!!
I wanted to clarify that the backbone of all of this is a love for God in Jesus Christ. He has shownme that I can stay sober, and He has forgiven me the things that were wrongly done in my life. He has blessed me by taking from my life huge amounts of guilt and remorse and resentment. And that's why I can successfully stay sober. If these things still persisted in my life, I would have probably had a drink by now.
That's the beauty of the steps. They are a tool to rid an alcoholic of these delusional mind patterns that bring about the obsession that causes us to take the first drink, the one drink we cannot take, because of the allergy that causes us to need another and another and another.
I thank the Lord for saving my soul, and allowing me to find the steps that gave me back my life.
